i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize