Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
