an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
