WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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