he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
