just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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