Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
