So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
