he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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