These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
