listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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