i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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