the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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