I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
