I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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