Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
