Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
