Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
