i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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