No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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