Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
