i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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