I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
