I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
