I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
