Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My ass is underappreciated
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
