I looked at my own cervix.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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