When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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