I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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