...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
