the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
my liver is dry heaving
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