I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
