Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
