Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
