The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
