and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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