bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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