Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
