If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
