How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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