Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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