The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
