can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
