foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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