he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
