I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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