So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
