I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
