Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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