if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
