I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I love you. Go after that dick
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
