my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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