never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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