apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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