i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
