I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
