Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
