Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
