dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
